


Watchful

by Nelja-in-English (Nelja)



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: M/M, Pining, Twisted and Fluffy Feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-07
Updated: 2018-06-07
Packaged: 2019-05-19 10:37:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14872148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nelja/pseuds/Nelja-in-English
Summary: Martin wants to watch over Jon, he wants to help, and he can't realize all that it entails.(timeline: episodes 93-103)





	Watchful

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [Un regard trop profond](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14869551) by [Nelja](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nelja/pseuds/Nelja). 



> Thanks a lot to winternacht for the grammar beta!

Martin worries about Jon every time he thinks about him - which is almost always. He’d seen him injured far too often. And he can't help thinking that Jon has suffered more wounds that no one saw.

Despite his constant anxiety, he never doubts Jon is alive, though. Right now, he still is. It's a small blessing in all this unknown darkness. He has no proof. He should doubt. He doesn't, he can't even try. Not that he’d try hard.

One day, while sorting files in the Archives again, he feels some prickling of anticipation in his neck, and he knows that Jon will be back today.

Jon doesn't come for him, Martin knows this. At best, he'll have some research to do, and Martin will be able to help. And though, he feels a smile dance on his lips.

The cup of tea he makes for Jon is ready just as he enters his office.

"Thanks, Martin," Jon says. "It's even better than..." He hesitates, doesn't finish the sentence.

Martin stays there. He doesn't dare to talk. He looks at Jon, who drinks slowly as he examines the stack of statements and books he asked for last time. His fingers are thinner than ever and shake a little. There are bags under his eyes, tiny wrinkles at the corner of his eyes. Martin is almost sure he can see new white hairs on his temples. And he can’t imagine any words or acts that could put Jon's tense body and mind at ease. The pictures he gets in his mind - they are all from him only. He wants to touch him, to brush an unruly lock away from his forehead, to massage his shoulders... But it's not what Jon needs, only what Martin wants.

So he just watches. He always has, maybe even since before the Archives.

Back then, it was a response to Jon's presence, to the affection and the admiration Martin felt for him. Now it's something else, almost a ritual. Something he lacks when Jon is not here. He feels unstable, nervous, as though he were missing part of himself.

Of course, he's getting melodramatic again, he reproaches himself. Also, he's looking at his boss in a less than appropriate way.

It becomes a routine. Every time Jon comes to the Institute, Martin brings him a cup of tea. Neither of them comments on the fact that he must have started making it far before Jon unexpectedly arrived at the door

Sometimes, Jon talks to him, and Martin readily answers, always watching his words. He won't talk about the statements he records. He won't talk about Sasha. He won't ask Jon to never leave again, to stop putting his life on the line. When Jon is hurt, he tends to him as well as he can. There's always a hint, a sharp pain Martin sees in his eyes, a hesitation when Jon moves too quickly, even when he tries to hide it. He doesn't want Martin to know, but he thanks him once he has taken care of him.

Martin keeps recording statements. It's helping, he tells himself. It gets him closer to Jon, too, to feel part of what he felt. Or maybe he just convinces himself of it because it's easier.

 _Jon is not dead,_ Martin comforts himself, during the month he no longer returns to the Institute. _He's on a mission, he's not dead, I know it, I feel it. Why can't I see him?_

* * *

Jon has to wake up early to catch his flight to China at Heathrow the next day. He's too nervous to sleep and far too tired to record a statement or even listen to one of Gertrude's. He'd like to talk to someone, but calling Georgie at that hour of the night is out of the question. Also, she's right; he should talk to other people.

He feels very, very alone.

When the doorbell rings, he almost panics. But looking through the spyhole, he sees Martin standing at the doorstep.

He wonders if it's really him or another deceptive creature. But he sees him look nervously around, check the address, and Jon decides he can give him the benefit of the doubt.

"Martin," he says, opening the door. "Did something happen?"

"I thought that... you might need some company," Martin replies.

Jon, dumbfounded, lets him go inside. He lets him put on the door a bag of Indian takeaway - he remembers only now he hasn't eaten yet.

"I don't know if you have a Chinese conversation guide," Martin asks, putting one on the table. No, Jon didn't. And he vaguely hopes he'll still need it, outside of statements.

Martin stammers a bit as he jokes about Jon's IKEA sofa bed, which he still hasn’t set up for the night. But he looks weirdly confident as he folds it open himself and sits on the edge.

Jon has the fleeting thought he could actually do this. Right now, it's strangely tempting to eat with Martin, chat with him. He feels like he could sleep, if Martin watched over him, and yet...

"What are you doing here?" he asks, confused.

"Oh, I... as I was saying, I just thought I could be here for you."

For too long a time, Jon didn't appreciate Martin's fidelity and courage, nor how hard he tried to help. He was disdainful of him, he unfairly suspected him, he drove him away, and now would be the perfect moment to make up for lost time.

But Jon can never stop asking questions.

"Martin," he asks hesitantly.

"Yes?"

"How do you know? When you can help?"

He tries hard to keep his desire to know in check, to not compel him. He's not sure he manages it. Martin still gasps before answering, with lowered eyes.

"Some kind of... Archive magic? I think?" He seems to realize it's a weird answer, starts pleading. "I mean, we can't quit, but what if there are some good things about it too? Sometimes it happens - not often! - and I also knew you were not dead - but while you were a prisoner I felt nothing, nothing! - of course it's because I couldn't help, I'm not enough... - but if right now I can..."

Jon takes a deep breath.

His whole team has been marked by the Beholding, he knows this. And Martin has been reading statements. And now, while Martin's intentions are clearly pure, Jon can't help wondering whether there are other forces at work.

Should he talk to Martin? About what? About the Beholding, about compulsions, about his humanity slowly dripping away? Should he destroy all of Martin’s hope that this link they seem to share is a good thing?

The Idea that the Beholding chose Martin for him, as someone who would watch him above anything else makes him weirdly dizzy. He doesn't know if he could explain this, convince Martin it's not good news, even if he told him about Gertrude's assistants, even if....

He hates hiding this from Martin. Like Elias hid everything from him.

But what he hates even more is having to be the one to destroy his gentle innocence.

And... he can't take advantage of Martin, who doesn't know what is at play here. Not like this.

"Thank you." he says. "For everything. I'm much better. You should go home now."

"Oh." 

Jon wonders, does the Beholding tell Martin that it's a lie? That Jon would like him to stay until dawn? Martin seems disappointed, but he doesn't protest. They exchange short goodbyes, and for one moment, Jon wonders how Martin would react if he hugged him.

I won't let you feel I'm dead, he wants to say. He stays quiet though; it's not like it’s a promise he can keep.


End file.
